My mom says I'm a heavy sleeper.

August 2024. 

I remember this one-night years ago when I was awake well past midnight doing God knows what (though I was most likely shamelessly watching one of my favorite streamers on Twitch). All of a sudden, the fire alarm went off, and no, I don’t mean just the alarm from the smoke detectors, but the actual house’s fire alarm. You know, the one outside the house with a big flashing light to tell the firefighters which house it is (in case it isn’t blatantly obvious) that's on fire. Nothing was wrong, and apparently, this has happened before—our house sometimes "just does that." I can’t remember if there’s a specific reason for it. I talked to my mom about it, and she said it’s happened many times before and that I'm a “heavy sleeper who has always slept through it.”

I keep replaying that conversation in my head. Am I really such a heavy sleeper? Lately, sleep has been elusive. Maybe it’s the nightmares that started after the actual fire. I never thought of myself as a heavy sleeper before—sure, I had my moments, but don’t we all? Sometimes, I wish I’d been asleep during the fire, just like I had been in the past when I slept through the alarm. I know it’s a terrible thing to think, but what if I had just taken that nap? Smoke inhalation only needs 2-10 minutes to knock you out, and you’d eventually pass away. Quick and painless, as long as you don’t actually catch on fire in the process. I’ve thought about how I would do it, and it’s been at the top of my mind for a while now. Not that I could, or would, ever actually commit to a plan, but the thoughts have been there.

On the nights when sleep evades me, my mind races with questions. What if I had been asleep during the fire? Would it have made a difference in my life? Maybe not—after all, it would’ve ended. But what about everyone else? My sweet best friend, my sisters, my parents, and everyone else who cares about me? Would their lives have changed too? I know it sounds irrational, even selfish, but that thought lingers, no matter how hard I try to push it away. Obviously, their lives would be drastically different. But countless nights, I’ve lain here wondering. In the grand scheme of things, I feel so insignificant sometimes, and when you’ve grown up not wanting to be here, it’s hard to get out of that mindset. I can't sit here and tell you exactly how different their lives would be, but I can't deny that they would be different—for better or for worse. No matter how hard I wish I could pretend no one cares, I was in the room when I saw my mom's face. You can't fake the look in her eyes when she saw how close of a call that was. You can't fake the look on my dad's face when I came back home or how important that hug was to him—to both of us.

Since the fire, my panic attacks have come back, anxiety is in full swing, and nightmares are, well, a nightly occurrence. The slightest whiff of smoke makes me stop in my tracks and look all around to find the source of the smell. If the sun hits me just right, I remember how bright the flames were and how terrified I was, which sends me into a panic. The slightest crackling noises will send shivers down my spine. Just being around any sort of fire triggers my fight or flight, even closing my eyes in the shower will. It's crazy how fast things can change in a 40-minute time span. 40 minutes. That’s all it took for me to go from lounging by the pool to running out of the house with 911 on the line in nothing but a towel. 40 minutes is all it took to take my life and turn it upside down more than it already had been this year. 40 minutes.

I would be lying if I said that 40 minutes didn't also bring a lot of good, though. Sure, it’s caused quite the mess in my life and in my mind, but it’s also brought a lot of good. I’ve always said that everything happens for a reason, even when the reason isn’t clear (cliché, I know), but it’s true. I haven’t figured out the exact reason the universe is trying to show me, but I do know that if I hadn’t been there, things could have been much worse, and I wouldn’t be here typing this right now with the lessons I’ve learned. My gut told me not to take the nap I was so desperately craving, and even though I really debated it, I chose to shower instead. At least now I know the reason for that. If I had been sleeping, I could have missed out on so much just in the six weeks that have passed since then. I could have missed falling in love with a city I’ve always wanted to explore, I could have missed seeing my niece grow up little by little, I could have missed some incredible live shows, I could have missed meeting new people, I could have missed celebrating love with one of my closest friends, and those are just a few examples of what I could have missed over that time. There’s a whole lifetime of things I would have missed, though—like falling in love again, traveling the world, trying new foods, discovering new artists, celebrating my loved ones’ every accomplishment, and all the little moments in between. No matter how hard things get, there is always a light at the end of every tunnel. Not everything will make sense right away, and some things may never make sense, but there is always a reason for them.

I’ve always been heavy on the "I love you’s," the kind of person who will say it at the end of every phone call and every other chance I get. I truly am a lover through and through. When the opportunity to do that gets threatened, it really puts things into perspective. No matter how much I think I say "I love you," I’ve realized there could always be more chances to say it (and I say it a ton). 40 minutes isn’t all it takes for life to change—sometimes, it only takes a second. I’ve learned to wear my heart on my sleeve, never leave things unsaid, and always lead with love. Life moves fast, and it doesn’t slow down for anyone. Take each moment as it comes. Trust your gut. Pay attention to your surroundings. And when danger comes, act fast.

I still have many unanswered questions for the universe about why certain things in my life happened. But I know that one day, I’ll find the answers and be stronger for it. It’s taken me a while to let the doubts leave my mind about what if I had been napping and to come to terms with the fact that it wouldn’t have been a “better” option. I’ll continue to work on that for who knows how long, and that’s okay. One day at a time. I promise myself—and you—that things will get better. I may not have all the answers yet, but I’ve learned that life doesn’t wait for anyone. As JoJo Moyes wrote, "You only get one life. It's actually your duty to live it as fully as possible." 

My mom says I am a heavy sleeper, but I'll wake up to the next alarm.